How Does Attachment Theory Relate to Sex & Intimacy?

We are born to love and feel safe inside of ourselves and with others, emotionally and physically, but for many this journey has been rocky and complicated. Some of us experience the process of early bonding as filled with more confusion and pain than love. Many of us have created layers of protection in childhood to keep our vulnerable and innocent hearts safe. I’m one of those people, and my journey to bond, trust and surrender into love has been an ongoing experiment and exploration. My sexuality has been a key pathway for healing and integration. Sexual relationships open the door to attach in ways that we don’t with our non-sexual connections. Sexual relationships can often mirror patterns from childhood when our dependence on our primary attachment figures was essential for our survival.

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Anne-Marie MarronComment
Attachment Theory: An Overview

I want talk about attachment because it’s vulnerable and it touches our foundational beliefs about love and safety. Being educated about why we do what we do to bond builds awareness, self-compassion and a greater perspective into our relationship triggers. Studying attachment is rich terrain for healing and integrating personal patterns of anxiety, control, and self-protection. Many behaviors associated with our attachment template can be the drivers of self-hatred, jealousy, controlling others, withdrawal, blame and judgment. My desire is to normalize, and bring awareness to our basic need to attach and experience secure connection. We all need to know that we belong and that we’re part of the whole. We all need safe places to feel seen, loved and held, no matter how messy and unbuttoned we are.

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Anne-Marie MarronComment
Ask Anne-Marie: I Often Feel Used By Women, Therefore Being Alone Feels Best To Me. Am I Lying To Myself?

The conditioning you experienced as a child sounds so intensely annihilating and painful. Your bravery to share this vulnerably has moved me to tears. The early imprints that you inherited from your family system laid some deep tracks in your psyche. I can empathize and relate to the trauma imprints of feeling used and unworthy. Based on your experience, you learned to distrust relationships as a nourishing safe harbor and instead experienced them as a war zone of expectations, demands, and criticism.

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Anne-Marie Marron
Mapping Your Relationship to Boundaries

Boundary-setting is an important self-care practice. Establishing clear boundaries is necessary to maintain evolutionary, authentic, consensual, and respectful relationships in all domains of life. Boundaries are a form of power. They empower us to express our needs in relationship, whether that’s in our relationship to ourselves or others. Boundaries also offer us a forum to negotiate, using our authentic voice to stand in solidarity with our inner value system.

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Ask Anne-Marie: Can I Be In My Authentic Erotic Expression If My Desire Isn't Fully Supported By My Partner?

I don’t believe that a successful relationship requires our partner to feel and believe the same as us. However, I do feel that we need to have enough shared reality when it comes to our core values and purpose in partnership to grow into our greatest potential together. This shared relational ground is what helps us make our differences digestible and opens the door to growth and transformation. When we feel like we’re suddenly not growing together, it’s a good time to take inventory.

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Fantasies: What They Teach Us About Our Erotic Architecture

Have you ever wondered what your fantasies reveal about your deeper self? What if our fantasies, sexual and non-sexual, are powerful doorways to make conscious what we actually long for beneath the surface of our daily life? In addition to our biological impulse to procreate and experience pleasure, we come to sex to fulfill a need to feel something specific. Today, I’m going to offer you various entry points to study your fantasy life. And if you think “I don’t fantasize,” stay with me, because you may not realize the ways in which you do fantasize every day.

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Ask Anne-Marie: I'm Dating A Great Man, But He Doesn't Meet Me Sexually. Help?

If we don’t pay attention to our needs and disappointments, we miss opportunities to deepen intimacy with ourselves and our partners. Yet, these topics are riddled with shame. At the root of our human experience, we all want to know we matter, that we belong and that we are lovable and enough just as we are. Much of our patterned sexual behavior is based on our earliest sexual experiences. What we learn early on drives how we show up as adults in all parts of our lives, including in bed. Our conditioning can be transformed with self-awareness, self compassion, and a safe and loving environment of experimentation, mindfulness and spaciousness.

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Ask Anne-Marie: How Do You Dig Past The Conditioned Mind On A Daily Basis?

The answer is simple in theory. The application of theory is a lifetime journey of practice, self-compassion, fierce honesty and discipline. To unwind our conditioning it to let go of the ways we’ve identified with our roles (healer, teacher, parent, business executive) as well as who we think we should be to belong and feel enough (a loyal person, a kind person, the one in charge, smart, successful, athletic, etc.) To expose the ways in which we habitually react out of fear (control), withdrawn from love (protect), or override our authentic needs (comply) to maintain connection.

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Anne-Marie Marron